Johnny Law


Well, dealing with mediocre jurists has its benefits.

Yesterday, Johnny Law’s scenario went like this. He came dressed in Armani, with his best game face going forward, walking into the courtroom like he owned it. The police officers in attendance gasped in amazement, some of the ones with the well tended uniforms shiver, at least one was aroused. The female officers had a gleam in their eyes. Jaws opened, eyes dropped, the scent of the mighty prevailing over the meek was inescapable. If police officers had tails, they would have been folded between their legs.

The judge took the bench. Not a great legal mind, rather another mediocre lawyer who fellatiated the governor. Just another statistic to the universally accepted maxim that a sloppy blow job will land you into traffic court. He took one look at Johnny Law, the tepid reaction of the quivering police officers and he recognized him as a force to be reckoned with. The courtroom was hushed for what, to the uninitiated, must have seemed an eternity, until he mustered up the encouragement to seek what the lawyer was present for.

When called, Johnny Law took his time. Perhaps his smirk betrayed his arrogance, or maybe it was the smooth saunter which he choose as his stride. At any rate, after he had reached the dais, he stated his appearance " Johnny Law, II", on behalf of my client Vincent Turmoil, II". His face hardened as if he was in absolute terror. Johnny Law continued "...I am here on a simple matter which may tax the limits of this court, suffice it to say, that it is perhaps in this courts best interests, as with that of the offending police officer and his family, as well as the weeping lady of justice, that my client be offered a simple dismissal and an apology. With that we can go home, and no one will be the worse for wear. Without it, the imagination cannot fathom the depths of entanglement that will engage those who are only tangentially associated with this matter." If there were mummers in the courtroom, they rolled off of the lawyer like the tiny droplets of rain on the polyester pantsuit ensemble that the clerk was sporting.

Perhaps inspired by the carnage that he sensed was about to be unleashed in the name of the common good, the Honorable judge Whatshisname, gingerly asked the officers sitting in the gallery if any one of them would please provide the apology. Many applied, yet none were accepted. "Only the offending officer can provide an apology that could meet my criteria", he stated. A hush over the courtroom prevailed. like that of a shadow cast by a pregnant woman’s belly at three o’clock in the after noon.

Mr. Law explained the repercussions of this transgression. His client would not pay a cent to the courts because they are a bastion of mediocrity. "When the rights of one have been trespassed, the rights of all are compromised. Ignorance will not be rewarded but the damned will be enlightened. For it is when the cleansing light of truth is reflected upon the downtrodden can we ever aspire to the potential that our maker envisioned. We will fight the insidiousness of the judicial system by pursuing education so that the feeble minded will no longer be in charge of our liberty!" It is then when Johnny Law recalled a line that his client had quoted to him one night over good scotch and Cuban cigars, and enlightened the court with its wisdom " My client swears upon the alter of God, eternal hostility for those who dare tread upon the rights of man".

After the ovation subsided, the barren judicial officer called Johnny Law to the side bar to inquire, "since education is a priority, how about traffic school?", to which he curtly, yet respectfully, replied, "done".